How to Win Friends and Influence People

Dale Carnegie 1936

How to Win Friends and Influence People is one of the first bestselling self-help books ever published. Written by Dale Carnegie and first published in 1936, it has sold 15 million* copies world-wide and continues to provide valuable lessons for all people looking to grow their business.

Section 1:   3 Fundamental Techniques in Handling People

1. “If You Want To Gather Honey, Don’t Kick Over The Beehive”?Most people don’t respond very well to criticism, condemnation, or complaint, so if you’re feeling such things about someone, just bite your tongue and hold back.  By doing this, you avoid adding unnecessary negativity to a conversation, negativity that can very easily backfire on you by making others think less of you.  Put yourself in their shoes and walk a mile or two with them, their way and seek first to understand their perspective.
2. The Big Secret of Dealing With People?Speak positively of others every chance you get. Think of a few positive things to say about each person you know and then reference those positive attributes when you can. Give honest and sincere appreciation.  Forget about our own accomplishments, but seek to praise their good points.
3. “He Who Can Do This Has The Whole World With Him.  He Who Cannot Walks A Lonely Way”?Arouse in the other person and eager want. Work on the carrot, rather than the stick approach.  Make the other person interested in you by leading with the things that are useful to them.  People are not interested in you. They are not interested in me. They are interested in themselves – morning, noon and after dinner.  The New York Telephone Company made a detailed study of telephone conversations to find out which word is the most frequently used. It is the personal pronoun “I.” “I.” I.” It was used 3,900 times in 500 telephone conversations. “I.” “I.” “I.” “I.” When you see a group photograph that you are in, whose picture do you look for first?   If we merely try to impress people and get people interested in us, we will never have many true, sincere friends. Friends, real friends, are not made that way.

Section 2: Six Ways to Make People Like You

1. Do This and You’ll Be Welcome Anywhere?If you want to help others at the same time as helping yourself , become genuinely interested in other people.
2. A Simple Way to Make a Good First Impression?Smile when on the phone.  It comes across as if you are glad that you are speaking with them.  Greet people in a positive fashion while imagining things that make me happy – it makes it much easier to bring forth a smile.
3. If You Don’t Do This, You Are Headed For Trouble
   To be interesting, be interested.  Ask questions that you know other people will enjoy answering.
4. An Easy Way to Become a Good Conversationalist?Be a good listener.  Encourage others to talk about themselves.
5. How to Interest People
   Talk in terms of the other person’s interest.  Teddy Roosevelt knew the road to a persons heart is to talk about things they treasure most.  The key technique here is to translate what you hear into talking about what interests the person you’re speaking to.  Listen for things that they are interested in that you know something about, and then follow that point as a train of conversation – don’t just interject your current passions into the discussion, because they might not be shared.
6. How to Make People Like You Instantly?If you want to build a real bond with someone else, make it clear how important that person is to you and do it in a way that the sincerity of the feeling comes across. A great way to do this is actually by connecting two people you know together.  Introduce them to each other with a compliment to both of them, especially if you know something that they’ll have a mutual interest in.  Always make the other person feel important and do it sincerely.  Be genuine.  Talk to people about themselves and they will listen for hours…

Section 3: How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking

1. You Can’t Win An Argument?The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.  Welcome a disagreement. Listen to the other point and to be wary of your first reaction.  It may be you at your worst, not your best.  (When 2 partners always agree, one of you is not necessary)
2. A Sure Way of Making Enemies – and How to Avoid It?The easiest way to make an enemy is to tell them that they are wrong. Instead of doing that, say something like, “I never thought of it that way before” and ask questions, whether or not you feel the position has merit or not. You can’t be right all the time, so, why tell people they are wrong.  You could say “I may be wrong.  I frequently am, but let’s look at the facts.  Martin Luther King “I judge people by their own principles, not my own.”
3. If You’re Wrong, Admit It?Begin in a friendly way If you are revealed to be wrong, just admit it and be very clear about the admission. Don’t try to hide it under sulking or arrogance, because you’ll just amplify the negativity of those behaviours when you’ve clearly been exposed as being wrong.
4. A Drop of Honey?Often, you have to enter conversations where you’re going to have to deliver some bad news or a negative report. You can make this go much easier by starting off with the positives. For example, if you have terrible service at an otherwise good restaurant, don’t shout at the manager about it – tell him the things you did like first, then point out that some service problems may be tarnishing the reputation of the restaurant. This actually works really well for making the conversation go well and it has earned me a few vouchers, too.
5. The Secret of Socrates?Get the other person to say ‘yes, yes’ immediately.  Rather than go head-to-head with someone ask them a gentle question that they have to say ‘yes’ to.  Then, when you move from step to step, keep getting those positive acknowledgements. A string of “yes”es is more likely to yield another “yes”.
6. The Safety Valve in Handling Complaints?When handling complaints, let the other person do most of the talking.  Don’t interject and start an argument. Let them blow off their steam and only respond when they’re finished. Ask questions to encourage them to speak even more. This will often cause them to vent off most or all of their issue, which makes it much easier for the problem to be handled rationally at the end of the conversation.
7. How to Get Cooperation?If you can, lead them to the conclusion of the argument. Present all of the ideas up front, then state your conclusion and ask for their approval on it with a nice “What do you think?” Listen to what they have to say and then try to incorporate it. In the end, they will feel like the idea is theirs and will come out of the conversation feeling quite positive about things. This is a great way to get a supervisor to incorporate a change in the workplace.
8. A Formula That Will Work Wonders for You?If you just don’t understand where someone is coming from, spend a bit of time trying to put yourself in that person’s shoes. Why would this person feel this way about the situation? Usually, putting yourself in their shoes for a while will reveal a few things that weren’t entirely clear to you before and might just lead directly to a healthy understanding and solution to the problem at hand.
9. What Everybody Wants?Be sympathetic with the other persons ideas and desires.  Inevitably, someone will come to you with an untenable idea or desire that you simply can’t approve of. In that case, at least show approval of the feelings and thoughts that brought the suggestion to bear.
10. An Appeal That Everybody Likes?Frame your response in such a way that the person’s fundamental sense of right and wrong and fair play.
11. The Movies Do It. TV Does It. Why Don’t You Do It??Story telling works.  If you have a great idea, think of how to incorporate it into a story. Relate it directly to a human experience and tell that story as you’re trying to tell your idea. Connecting the concept to a tale will always make it work – that’s the reason fables stay around for thousands of years.
12. When Nothing Else Works, Try This?If you can’t get your ideas and motivational speeches to work, throw down a direct challenge. This doesn’t mean saying something like “I challenge you…”; just do something to get their competitive spirit going. By doing this well, you can draw even more of their spirit into completing the objective.  One of the most motivating elements is the game itself, rather than money or fringe benefits

Section 4: Be a Leader: 9 Ways of  How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment

1. If You Must Find Fault, This Is the Way to Begin?If you must find fault, begin with praise and honest appreciation.  Start off by stating their positive attributes and the things that you find good about the person or the group. Once you’ve established that there are positive attributes and you’re not just railing on them, you can move onto the criticism.
2. How to Criticize – and Not Be Hated for It?If you’re going to criticize something, criticize it indirectly, usually by offering a positive suggestion in another direction. For example, you viewed a piece on here that you didn’t agree with. Rather than trying to trash the argument, one could merely say that it could be worded differently and suggest some phrase changes so it didn’t come off as overbearing.
3. Talk About Your Own Mistakes First?Another effective way to blunt the sting of criticism is to tell of your own faults and mistakes first. Let’s say you’re trying to advise someone about debts. One way to make the advice more effective is to talk of your own problems with accruing debt.
4. No One Likes to Take Orders?If you need to instruct someone to do something, instead of shouting out an order, ask some questions about the problem and lead them to the solution in which they can participate. If you involve them in the solution by asking questions, not only will they do it, they’ll feel involved in the solution.
5. Let the Other Person Save Face?If you’ve just offered up criticism, allow the other person plenty of space to save face. Let them correct the mistake if they can, or at least give them the opportunity to do so. Your belief might be to get rid of the problem completely, but by letting the problem at least have a chance to be solved, you not only appear more fair to the person or group in question, you appear more humane and a much more sound leader to everyone else.
6. How to Spur People On to Success?Whenever someone shows any sign of improvement, make it clear to that person – and to others – that you notice and appreciate it.
7. Give a Dog a Good Name?When you introduce someone or mention them in a group setting, always talk them up. Give them a standard to live up to as you introduce them and they’ll try hard to live up to that standard. The reverse is true; if you don’t say much or criticize them as you introduce them, they’ll live up to that lowly standard instead.
8. Make the Fault Seem Easy to Correct?If you’re giving advice to someone about how to correct a problem, try to make the problem seem easy to correct. Offer up lots of pointers that on their own seem quite easy and let that person believe that they’re all easy and that they can do it.
9. Making People Glad to Do What You Want?Once you know a person, you know where their points of pride are. When you ask them for something, make sure that they see the connection to things that they pride themselves on, and also be sure to compliment them on those points of pride. Put it in a context of the bigger goals and let them see that you see even their simple piece as a vital part of the puzzle. Doing these things will make people much happier to follow your requests with happiness.

http://erudition.mohit.tripod.com/_Influence_People.pdf

Source: Wikipedia